FRIDAY FUNNIES 08-08-14: BULLSHITTIN’ / THE LIAR / REPUBLICAN PUPPIES / POLITICAL QUIPS FROM COMICS…

Posted on August 8, 2014. Filed under: Humor..., Political Humor..., QueenBeeWorld's Friday Funnies... | Tags: , , |

 


“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.  Once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”  —Bill Cosby

Let’s start off the weekend with a little political humor.  Have a great weekend…

QueenBee

 

BULLSHITTIN’

A young black guy with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.  He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi.  You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.  I’d really rather have a job.  I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well, you started it.”

 

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THE LIAR

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.

“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

“Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.

“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

“Nope. They all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

“The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t, but you know what a liar he is.”

 

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REPUBLICAN PUPPIES

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.”

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.”

The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.” The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!”

 

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“President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.’ ”

Jay Leno


Two political candidates were having a hot debate.  Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, “What about the powerful interest that controls you?”

And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”


“Daddy, do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?”

“No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise’ ”


On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.


“Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban.  A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful.  But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy.  For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

David Letterman


Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.


“I tell you, the economy is in bad shape.  In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’ ”

Jay Leno


How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.


“Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted.  Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, ‘Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?’ ”

Jimmy Fallon


We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.


“Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over.  Remember before the election?  ‘The audacity of hope!’  ‘Yes, we can!’  ‘A change we can believe in!’  Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.'”

–Jay Leno


“Did you see this on ’60 Minutes’ last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn.  You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.”

Jimmy Fallon


People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.


How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.


Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, “I’ve got another dress for you to clean.”

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, “Come again?”

“No,” says Monica.  “Mustard.”

 

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