FRIDAY FUNNIES: JUST CALL ME FRED / CALLING EARTH / THE BAGPIPER…
Just because the Dow is down, it doesn’t mean we have to be. Here are some jokes to start off your weekend on a good note…
Just Call Me Fred
A cop stops a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit.
He asks the man for his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last
name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands, but
plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It’s a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know–a funny last name. The kids used to
tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good
grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally
got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while, I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant
and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a cheque. Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and
talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there
would be no charge for the call and feel free to call South Africa anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson
Mandela got to call South Africa free. The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma
became president of South Africa, the country has gone to hell, so
naturally it’s a local call."
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the
first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a
typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the
open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
played out my heart and soul.
As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I’d never
played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the
Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, I have never seen nothin’ like that before and
I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.