FRIDAY FUNNIES: “WEIGHING THE ISSUE”, “THE CANDY WITH THE LITTLE HOLE”, “DEAF WIFE” AND “STAY OF EXECUTION”…

Posted on March 26, 2010. Filed under: Humor... |

 
Here are some really good "Funnies"; the last is my favorite.  Hope you all enjoy your weekend, and don’t forget to laugh

 

QueenBee

 

 

WEIGHING THE ISSUE…

 

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.  So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.


Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”

 

Must be where the term "Smart A**" came from.

 

 

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THE CANDY WITH THE LITTLE HOLE… 

The children began to identify the flavors by their color: 

Red…………………Cherry 
Yellow………………Lemon 
Green……………….Lime 
Orange ……………Orange 

Finally, the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers.  None of the children could identify the taste. 

The teacher said, "I’ll give you all a clue.  It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father." 

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!  They’re a**holes! 

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

 

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DEAF WIFE…

 

Paul feared his wife, Peg, wasn’t hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

 

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

 

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 

"Here’s what you do", said the doctor.  "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, "I’m about 40 feet away.  Let’s see what happens."

 

Then in a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

 

He gets no response

 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Peg, what’s for dinner?"

 

Still no response.

 

Next, he moves into the dining room where he’s about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

 

Again, he gets no response.

 

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

 

Again, there is no response.

 

So he walks right up behind her, "Peg, what’s for dinner?"

 

His wife responds, "For Heaven’s sake, Paul!  For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

 

 

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STAY OF EXECUTION…

 

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him.

 

‘What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it."  And on, and on and on…

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks, as he dragged himself up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN! DON’T YOU EVER STOP?"

 

 

 

 

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